Long time no speak........

I think, that I am finally prepared to do what I have wanted to do with this blog since it's inception. I am always trying to follow a path that will enable my enlightenment. I have come to understand that I must first know the quality of this enlightenment that I seek. For I have found that it is not an enlightening in terms of the brightness of the soul, but rather a process of becoming lighter. The heavy burden of feelings, regrets, thoughts, guilt - the spirit as a whole is burdened with a severely heavy weight. This lifts from me continually as I slowly release my desperate grip on my physical notion of existence.

This is important. To answer the last question i posed in the last post I made in June, No. Not in terms of my existence within the physical realm. For when I refer to myself as I, who am I really talking about? Understand that when you speak, even think the word "I", you are making a reference mentally to yourself, from outside of your self. Think about it.

This notion of identifying with yourself from outside of yourself is the first stage of your creation or maintenance of the ego. It is very subtle, yet completely entrenched part of your own mental construct. In our current, dominant belief system, this is entirely necessary as we attempt to interact with the world around us. Everyday life demands that we identify ourselves by our name, occupation, beliefs, pastimes, etc. This is necessary for our entire existence in everyday life. It is the very basis of trade, industry, human interaction, commerce, sport, the list goes on and on. I have always known that something was missing in my pursuit of happiness. That was until I realised that any ideal or ambition is a state of mind.

Me and Sally recently watched with my mom, a wonderful lecture by parahamsa nithyananda called "you are emptiness". In which he explains through the following sutra of shiva's that our constant need to define ourselves, to fill our hearts and minds and homes with nice ideas and shiny, nice belongings, IS the source of suffering. We constantly aim to fill ourselves with definition because we are emptiness. He asks us to understand the following sutra;

As the ocean waves with water,
and fire with flame,
the universal waves with us

He says that much healing can come from identifying with this principle. You are emptiness, part of the cosmic ocean. A wave in the cosmic ocean. You rise in one life, peak and fall back to the ocean. Thousands and thousands of times, in different parts of the cosmic ocean, at different heights, in different ways - but you are still - ocean. Your separation from this ocean, or more accurately, your attempt, to be separate from this ocean is the source of all suffering.

Parahamsa likens us to a wave on the ocean, that at first, understands that it is part of the ocean. As he grows up and rises, he begins to think that he is separate from the ocean. This separation must induce a sense of fear, as it begins to worry about the safety of his wave. He collects the pebbles from the beach and the mud from the sea and the sand and attempts to build a wall of possessions and ideas and beliefs that insure him against the falling of the wave. He seeks security, so he may stand as a wave forever. But as he tries harder to build and build the nature of the ocean destroys what he has built as he falls back to the cosmic ocean and dies. I think it is a beautifully revealing insight into the mind of an ascended master. I think it apt, as we are truly approaching a cosmic shift in our understanding of who we are, what we are doing and where we are going. The old ideals of racism, nationalism, religion, capitalism, socialism - all the -ism's, are beginning not to work. I genuinely believe that we are to witness in our lifetime something that will change the history of this planet forever. The acceptance and promotion of humanist values.

These values will transcend ancient notions of good and evil. Material or immaterial, real or imaginary - all the boundaries that we currently spend our whole life telling ourselves to stay within and letting other people dictate to us. This is the obvious enemy of the powers that be. But David Icke is right. When one person is denied the right to express his opinion, we all are, if one child loses it's leg in Baghdad - all our children do. Understand this if you understand nothing else in your life. There is no separation between races, religions, nations, individuals, societies. They are all fictions dictated to you by your masters in government and peers in our society and members of our family. Simple. Hard to understand or believe, I know, but later i will deal with belief.

Do we not leave this life empty handed? With only our memories and love and feelings and thoughts? Then why do we attempt to insure ourselves against this?
Recently, over the past 18 months, I have attempted to find the source of this mind, my experience. Do I just interact and respond to the world around me from the point of view of a physical human, at the mercy of the chaotic world that I live in? With only religion or secular materialism to choose from? Or can it be explained and understood a different way? I realise now that I have always been looking for this. It is my holy grail. And I have found it in my mind's ability to make associations. And to understand why and how I make them. I have discovered that the key to unraveling my thoughts into a coherent and purely cognitive state is through the very language i speak and the connections/differences between the possible associations I could make and the ones I have made already.


Sally's brother, Lee, once tried to ask me what the goal or purpose or object I am attempting to contact when i meditate. At least that is my assumption because he never got to finish the question. the answer is me. My true self. The real source of all knowledge. All possibility.


Some days it is too difficult to contemplate anything but the nagging depression in my mind. Like everything, my depressions runs in cycles. Nothing is permanent. Guilt, fear, embarrassment, are all concoctions of the ego that are constantly re-enforced by celebrity, news, society, myth and religion. Sometimes though, I feel all of this thinking and understanding is for nothing. For it only exacerbates my loneliness. If my life is an illusion why do I stay here? Why do I undergo such mental and emotional torture when I could be anyone, anything, anywhere that I choose?

I have changed completely in he past few years. I wish everyone else would. This would then all be over. I know I must see Martin this week. I feel the weight growing upon me. a dark cloud forms quickly some days. Some days i just cannot help Sally fight her own fears and assumptions. Some days I'm just not much good to anyone. I think much of this is my resentment for the rest of the world's inability to see these things. And so the misery of this "life" that some in my childhood would so pessimistically call "it"continues.