Inner machinations

There was a time when I used to think that the best way to get on in life was to get a job. People take you seriously when you've got a job. they ask questions and easily relate to your experiences. Your confidence in your ability to be self-sufficient rockets and anything you want to buy is theoretically within reach - especially if you play the lottery! But how is your confidence doing at the moment? When no-one wants to lend you any money and the price of everything is going through the roof? Your wages just don't buy you what you need any more and the wonderful plans you might have are on hold indefinitely. I wonder who people think is responsible for it? Gordon Brown? Greedy businesses or God? Technically, God is responsible for everything but you know what I mean!

There was a time that I said yes chef, no chef - won't happen again chef! I continued to believe that if I just did what people expected of me and toed the line then everything would work out just fine. I laughed at and feared my mom owning tarot cards and believed in the system. As long as I worked hard day after day and kept my head down and my mouth shut I would win the game and live happily ever after.

Years later it seems that I was absolutely and entirely mistaken. It's hard to deal with. To have an idea consolidating in my mind that everything I thought I knew for sure shifts on sands that are made of the constantly changing will and actions of the entire earth as a system is disturbing in what it implies. At first I feel small and powerless - like the system makes me feel. But after a bit of careful consideration i've decided that it aint so bad after all. To find out I have been lied to all of my life and coerced through a system of negative suggestion to do exactly what I should not be doing made me angry at first. Overwhelmingly angry. "if only I knew that before" used to be my favorite put-down for myself. The number of times I have put myself down must be in the trillions. But now I understand why.

I am not Paul Ford
I am not a man
I am not my feelings
I am not what I own
I am not my thoughts
I am not my career
or lack of one

More and more of these truths occur to me everyday yet even though at times I feel like my mind is splintered - I get clarity. I make connections between things I know and hear hundreds of times a day and cannot write my thoughts quickly enough. I learn that the language I speak contains information that I have never been able to share but have always believed. For instance, the is a reason that spelling is called spelling. Grammar also. There is a reason why superstition is held onto and valued by some and ridiculed by others. But by reason I do not mean the innate meaning of the word as such, but that there is a significant relationship between mythology and law. Between Religion and superstition. Evil and money. This sounds like the ravings of a madman but I interpret the world in an inverse fashion compared to how I used to. It's all back to front but I feel blessed. I haven't found god. I haven't joined a cult or made a pact to become pregnant. I haven't been abducted by aliens or kidnapped by MI6 - yet! But something astonishing is growing inside me that has always been there. Jobless as I am and ambition less as I may be viewed by some people in life, I have found something truly valuable. Something that makes me so happy that the tears come easily.

You see I always wanted to be good at things, clever, good, handsome, determined, ambitious, successful, stable and without pain. I figured that I hated my life and if I could just get good at things.....people would listen and help and advise and counsel and respect me. I would be able to have command of my life if I could just get good at things.

It's in this recent time of depression and anger mixed with sublime realisation that I realised that I have not only been playing the game wrong - I haven't even been playing the game I thought I was! Imagine coming to the very probable conclusion that you do not actually exist! As ridiculous as this sounds I defy anyone to prove to me that they do. It is a phenomenal idea that makes no sense at first. None at all. But sometimes my brain hurts - it's time for a break.



The beauty of this world astounds me moment by moment.